Confused

I just need to write this out.

My brother has taken up golf. He's also in law school. (Insert typical joke here.) His wife is a SAHM raising their 2 boys under 3. SIL was asking about "fair trades" - he gets to golf in his free time, so what can she do? I answered that she should get equal time, with equal money to spend, and find a hobby of her own. This time should also come kid-free, since golfing is kid-free. Fair, yes? He's working and going to law school - this accountably takes up a lot of time. She's the on-call parent for two young kids 24/7, which also accountably takes up a lot of time.

I commented to my hubs that I felt this was a good arrangement. I *thought* it was the arrangement we've had for the last (almost) 10 years. Now, I've never actually counted the pennies and seconds to be sure we got equal time/money for hobbies, but I've also never tolerated the idea that I should *only* be a mom when my kiddo was young. I'm definitely an individual, and don't care to be stuck into a pigeon hole. So, when I was feeling overwhelmed and he was going out for beers after work and spending money on hobbies/entertainment, well, I'd hand him the kiddo and go out with a friend, or buy a new book, or something. Anything to break up the monotony of rereading Dr. Seuss.

He said, "Now, wait a minute..." with some kind of weird tone to the idea of equal money/time. And suggested that SIL get a job from home. While this is *a* solution, and one that has worked for us, it's not the only solution. It works for us because of my personality, and the fact that we only have one kiddo. If we had added to our family, adding any kind of even part-time job would have been *much* more difficult. Not impossible, just very difficult.

Tangent: I hated being a full-time SAHM. There were only so many library story times and episodes of "Dora the Explorer" I could take before my brain started leaking out of my ears. When I was pg, I was in school. I got to be around other adults. And after I graduated, I didn't get a job. I thought I wanted to be a full-time SAHM. We thought we'd have another kid. I went crazy. Not certifiably, I-need-a-white-jacket-that-lets-me-hug-myself crazy, but crazy. I needed adult interaction. I needed mental stimulation. I was not getting that from a toddler.

I joined a gym that offered child-care. This was nice. And then they posted that they needed part-time help. I applied, and started working the 4-8 am shift at the front desk. This was better. I got some alone time (very few people work out until about 6:30) and I got adult interaction. AND I could be done and home in time for hubs to get to work. Win-win! This worked for a long time. And I got promoted to desk manager, started working the 8a-1p shift while kiddo went to the child-care. This was even better!

I had so much of what I wanted - kid free time, adult interaction, and a small paycheck. Then, I decided I was done with the part-time crap, and got a full-time job. This blew up, but from the other side. Now I was paying for clothes, and daycare, and gas, and food, and was bringing home the same amount. No one was home to cook or clean, so we ate out a lot. Hubs and I were both stressed, and we weren't connecting. Then hubs started traveling for his job, leaving me to do ALL of it, completely alone.

So, I quit. And we moved for his new position, and I was bored again. New city, no friends, no job. With a pre-schooler that needed more interaction that I could provide. We set up play dates, we tried a church, we went to the park every.single.day. I still had cabin fever. I was ticking off the days til kiddo could start kindergarten. I'm not sure any mom looked forward to kindergarten with as much anticipation as I did.

One day, on an online bulletin board (which is where I finally turned for ANY form of adult interaction, or I was going to start watching soaps), someone mentioned their job. And I couldn't believe that it was a real job! The perks were AMAZE-BALLS - work when the stores are open, on your own schedule, and get paid! The hours weren't many, but I was living in a 24-hour city! So, I applied. That was 4 years ago this Thanksgiving. I wish I could find the person who referred me. One little note on a message board, and I've had steady, flexible, part-time employment for 4 years.

Tangent over, back to the meat of this post. Yes, due to our family circumstances, I've mostly gotten my fun money by working. But when I wasn't working, I know that sharing the money wasn't a foreign concept to my hubs. I don't know what prompted his comment or his tone tonight. But it came off as him not wanting to share the disposable income of our household. So, I asked him to explain his position.

I copped a tone. I have no defense. I got bitchy. But I don't take any form, any level, of misogynistic crap. Ever.

He spluttered, and hemmed and hawed, and didn't have anything. I attacked. I straight up asked him if he felt like "the wife" (not me, not SIL, any wife) was not deserving of part of the income of the household for personal use. He continued to evade. So I asked, "The woman in your life - the one who cooks your food, cleans your house, raises your child and BLOWS YOU - she's not deserving of any money? She can't have part of the household income for her own personal use?" Yes, I was yelling at this point.

He flipped, and said he's not discussing this any more. I pressed, because HEY! That's a pretty big issue to not have an answer for! He started pounding around, and took his dinner and stormed off down the hall, grunting and yelling and pounding on the walls all the way to his "man cave" aka office. He's been in there ever since, about 3 hours.

I don't know what to do now. I can't bring it up anymore tonight, or he'll just go ballistic again. He's not likely to bring it up. Not tonight, and possibly not ever. So, he'll just let it go, and I'll stew about it forever. I have my ideas about why he won't answer this. It's an ongoing problem for me when we argue. I'm not sure I want to know his position on this. I think it could permanently change my view of him. It's already bothering me more than I can say that he won't even discuss it at all with me.

So, what do you think about the issue? If one party of the marriage/partnership is the sole breadwinner, is that person the only one deserving of the disposable income? To be clear, I'm talking about whatever is left over after the needs and house hold functionality are taken care of. Should the other party have to find a way to make some income for their wants? If the disposable income should be split, should it be 50/50? Should the earner get more? And what about time? Does that need to be equal as well? Or should it be that each person gets time according to what it is they will be doing, as long as both partners get time?

I believe that it should be as fair as possible. If one wants to go play fantasy football all afternoon, and the other only wants a massage, I think that's fair. Nitpicking the details of cost/time, etc doesn't work in the long run. Fair to me is only that each person gets what they want, and gets some downtime. That means no kids tagging along, money enough for the activity/hobby/whatever, and enough time to be satisfied with it. And I think that if the partners have decided that one will be the sole breadwinner and the other will be the sole house/child care provider, then the costs for the one at home also need to come out of the household budget, or a plan needs to be worked out and agreed to by both parties for the one at home to earn some money. But it shouldn't just be expected that the one at home gets nothing because they didn't *earn* it. Right?